With me being adamant that fluidity and a relaxed approach is the key to consistently posting I decided to look at my list; a kind of brain dump I did on everything I wanted to talk about that could be made into a blog post. I didn’t put it in any particular order, instead I skimmed over it and picked one to write based on how I’m feeling at the moment. That’s it. Whilst it’s only the second post it’s certainly been a more comfortable process than trying to make sure my approach is the best it could be at all times.
I mentioned in the first post (Too Much, Too Little, Too Quick, Too Late) about one of the ways in which my motivation can plummet. I was used to days throughout my life where I would barely do anything, or days where I was overly proud of myself for doing a little bit because it felt so demanding. I didn’t know of any explanation for it and so I labelled myself as lazy, a label which I despised but didn’t do anything about.
Too lazy to tidy up, too lazy to better myself as an individual, too lazy to even brush my teeth.
Being at near-constant conflict with myself isn’t healthy; I’ve always been ambitious in my head and do get motivated to learn and improve many aspects of life. So when my actions directly contradicted my ambition it was disheartening, especially when I couldn’t find what it takes to make a change.
Things that interested me have always been easier to complete which meant I narrowed my laziness down to the things that didn’t motivate me. That made me feel bone-idle without understanding the reasons, as we all have to do things in life we simply don’t want to do.
It’s extremely common for the signs to go unnoticed throughout your life. I’ve always believed that symptoms can align too closely with neurotypical people which breeds obscurity. We can all have days where we can’t be bothered to do what’s expected of us, regardless of whether we have ADHD.
I was at the mercy of a gambling addiction for 10 years which slowly unravelled my life, spent short amounts of time on remand in prison, experienced homelessness and significant debt. Whilst I believe they’re all connected to ADHD, they’re not exclusive to it. There are people out there who have been in prison or, say, experienced an addiction who haven’t got ADHD. Similarly, there are people with ADHD who have had completely different experiences to myself.
It can certainly become muddled, and I think it’s one of the reasons why people are often not diagnosed until later in life. Whilst I was extremely naughty at times in nursery and primary school, so were multiple other children and it can so easily be missed. Secondary school introduces another layer of complexity as I tried to filter undesirable parts of my “personality”, not aware of the problems masking would bring throughout my life.
School years see you in an educational setting, not a healthcare one and indicators might not be noticed again. To compound this, teachers throwing idioms around such as “He’s got ants in his pants” can be dismissive of a child’s experiences and each occurrence can push a potential diagnosis further out of reach.
Beyond school, I was more aware of the aspects of myself that wouldn’t fit in as I tried hard to make friends. Even after being expelled from both secondary school and college I couldn’t connect the dots to what was happening in my life, only see the generalisations thrown my way. “You don’t think before you act” and “You’ll never learn your lesson” were often retorted to me and, whilst they weren’t wrong, they were shallow in their reasoning and lacked any further insight.
I met my partner in 2018, and for the first time in my life I had somebody who I could be myself around. I concealed less of me and she discovered more. It was my hyperactivity, my surge of energy at times that prompted her to wonder if I had ADHD back in 2022. She planted a seed that stuck with me, a seed that grew because it had the light of authenticity. I can’t thank her enough for putting me on that journey.
I don’t lean towards any particular feeling about being diagnosed at 31. Granted, I ponder what life would have been like if my ADHD had been discovered sooner, but I also don’t blame the people in my life either. Teachers weren’t medical professionals and parents weren’t equipped to spot the signs of a disorder that was just beginning to gain awareness. Above all else, I’m extremely grateful that I won’t need to spend the rest of my life constantly berating myself for being lazy, reckless and chaotic and it’s this reflection that sticks more than any other.
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