My last blog post, Impulsivity: Collision with Intention, shared some insight into my impulsive behaviour and its impact on my life. I mentioned it was one of the most destructive parts of my ADHD but it isn’t necessarily the one that bothers me the most. There has always been one never-ending frustration that I’ve had in my life and it contributed to my self-proclaimed lazy attitude. Task initiation has long been the bane of my existence and was the dominating point of discussion when seeking a diagnosis.
I’ve spent my life shying away from things that I simply did not want to do. Funnily enough, a lack of a clinical framework is perhaps the only thing wrong with that statement which ultimately still reflects the deep desire to not take part in anything that didn’t provide stimulation or reward.
I remember in school we had the pleasure of completing weekly reading records. Basically, a log where we would write down the books each week we read and provide key features around them. I rarely did this and instead found it a better use of my time to make up these entries in my reading records, understanding even at a young age that teachers couldn’t verify whether I had in fact read them.
Homework in both primary and secondary school was a chore and I’d always try and get away with not doing it until facing some form of ultimatum from the teachers. It continued into college, capitalising on the more relaxed viewpoint from teachers to the detriment of my own progression. Even at University, I would say 90% of my deadlines were submitted between 23:30 and the 23:59 deadline. Heck, there were several assignments that I had barely started by the time that final day came around. I barely did any suggested readings and never looked back at lecture notes, and on top of my abysmal attendance and a gambling addiction that caused ripples of stress throughout my life I’ve always considered graduating with a 2:1 to be nothing short of a miracle.
I had nothing to blame other than the lack of motivation for me leaving everything until last minute. I’ve rarely been guilty of having too busy a life that my academic commitments simply fell down the pecking order and there’s times where I’d be sat there, twiddling my thumbs and trying to occupy myself in any way possible other than settling down to focus on what needed doing.
Problems with doing things that were necessary or important stretched far beyond my academic journey. I’ve lived a life where I’ve neglected even some of my most basic commitments no matter how many routines or systems I tried to put in place. As an example, I’m in my early thirties yet I’ve had 13 teeth removed which I can fully attribute to poor hygiene practices. I always found a way to avoid brushing my teeth and, by the time I approached my teenage years, it was second nature to not brush them. I remember being rejected for braces because I didn’t look after my teeth enough but it served as nothing more than a temporary frustration as my poor habits continued into my twenties. Despite many warnings about my future dental health, I found it extremely difficult to get into a routine of brushing regularly.
I lost my first tooth that formed part of my open-mouthed smile 2 years ago. It’s really bothered me since, but it did very little to change my ways other than the little 1-week burst of determination following the extraction. It’s so easy from the outside to see it as weakness or laziness, but it goes so much deeper than that.
It’s almost painful to go through this journey. It’s like you have 99% of the jigsaw finished but the last piece is a banana. I knew I was terrible at brushing my teeth, knew the damage it caused and knew the potential for further damage. I had everything in place to understand and overcome, but the last piece of the puzzle just would not fit.
And it wasn’t just my dental hygiene, but my personal hygiene too. I’d often go without showers throughout my life because the effort felt substantial. If my brain was stimulated from somewhere else then I’d find it almost impossible at times to break that resistance and do whatever needed to be done, further increasing the burden that I placed upon myself. That could look like me doom scrolling on my phone, playing games or generally just fixating on something and jumping into a void where time would pass by in another faze of fulfilment as I neglected the more important things. In those moments, grabbing a shower or taking steps to look after myself was an obstacle and it was far too easy to simply avoid it.
The most infuriating part was that I loved the feeling of getting out of the shower clean and into fresh clothes. So, I loved the feeling, but not what it took to get there. With ADHD, the dynamics of task initiation are shifted slightly in a way that we acknowledge less the reward of doing a task if the cost associated with starting it is too great.
The bigger picture of task initiation difficulties involved countless frustrations at my shockingly poor output. Ambition has always played front and centre in my mind but it consistently clashed with an inability to motivate myself to realise such ambition and it often led to prolonged self-deprecation. Struggling to remain disciplined and motivated at college and University was one thing, but not being able to put in the effort to even find a job added weight to my argument that I was lazy. I’d shy away from long‑winded applications and couldn’t be bothered to write multiple CVs for the different roles I was applying for. For the interviews I were offered, I’d procrastinate further and delay any meaningful preparation until the last 30 minutes before sheepishly trying to talk my way out of an interview question that I simply didn’t know the answer to.
In addition to my struggles with task initiation, I found myself admitting that my unwillingness to do something was not well-founded in hindsight. Indeed, I knew I was somewhat efficient once I got started and it was easier to keep going than it was to stop. Whether that was tidying up, doing life admin, self-care, personal development, it was often something that was never as difficult as I made out. At times, I would even be extremely grateful having done it. I could never transform it into a positive coping strategy though, as similar tasks at later stages prompted the same overwhelming reluctance as it always had despite gaining familiarity over the specific pattern in front of me.
There have been many days where I’ve sat at home and done absolutely nothing when I have the weight of something outstanding on my mind. I mentioned earlier that I’ve never had a busy life and it’s a reminder of the lack of excuses I had following the loss of another day and another opportunity. I could play a game for 12 hours straight but couldn’t spend 30 minutes on a job application, hoover or put a wash on. Even on the occasions I could pull myself away from the unhealthy activities and exert some level of productivity, it was often a laborious effort which frequently led to further procrastination as I sought to avoid those commitments until it was too late.
I think task initiation has bothered me more than any other aspect of ADHD because it’s been a ruthless antagonist in my constant fight between bettering myself and looking for the next source of pleasure, reward or stimulation. I’ve gone through multiple cycles of putting things off, ditching projects and failing to better myself because my brain couldn’t see past whatever was the immediate gratification and I was too laidback to understand those cycles and break them.
My medication journey has not been without its ups and downs and it’ll be something I dedicate a blog post to in the very near future. It has been a significant benefit in my life though and it’s largely due to how issues with task initiation appear now. Put simply, it is nothing short of immense that I’m able to identify that something needs doing and simply do it with very little reluctance. It’s led to better outcomes in many parts of my life, especially around the likes of self-care, financial management and general life admin.
On reflection though, I’ve found it difficult to manage the feeling of achievement and joy with the humble realisation that it’s nothing special, that it’s what nearly everyone else is capable of doing.
Is that masking? Potentially.
But people around me know how much it means to me to be able to do the things I neglected for so long and I take pride in no longer feeling it necessary to label myself as lazy. It’s removed a huge weight off my shoulders and replaced it with a fire in my belly to continue proving to myself I can achieve the things I want to achieve.
What do I want to achieve? Not a clue, and it changes every week. The generic statement therefore will have to suffice.